“ Get Curious, Not Furious.”

— Drs. Ellyn Bader and Pete Pearson

“There is nothing more complicated than another human being.”

— Dr. Stan Tatkin

In my therapy with couples, I primarily use the Developmental Model of Couple Therapy, developed by Ellyn Bader and Pete Pearson at The Couples Institute. This a dynamic teaching institute which trains and mentors therapists across the world in a cutting edge model.

I thank my lucky stars that I have been part of this training group since 2020.

This approach focuses on couples in terms of growth through normal and natural evelopmental stages. Conflict arises after the romantic stage, when couples get stuck and are not able to negotiate effectively around their differences. The self-protective brain inhibits constructive action and partners get locked into patterns of reactivity. Conflict is natural and expected. Managing it skillfully is the key to deepening your connection with each other.

In this model, I am educator, coach and therapist. The focus in two hour sessions is to learn about and practice new skills. You will learn to express your feelings, wants and desires and be curious about your partner’s differences and respond effectively with boundaries. I am also part of a small cohort of therapists offering mini-intensives to couples with a focus on building a solid foundation of learning and practice before tackling the issues causing most distress. This approach takes less time overall and is more cost efficient than weekly standard 50 minute sessions. It also focused on learning and practice rather than on debriefing the argument of the week and leaving the session in distress without time to practice

For more information on the Couples Institute: https://www.couplesinstitute.com/

Ellyn and Pete have written a wonderful book: Tell Me No LIes: How to Stop Lying to Your Partner - And Yourself - in the Four Stages of Marriage.

Within the Developmental Model, I also incorporate everything I have learned from another model, PACT, Psychobiological Attachment and Couple Therapy, developed by Stan Tatkin.

You will learn about your attachment style and how it impacts your interactions with your partner. This style sources from your security in your attachment bond you developed with your parents or primary caregiver. When you better understand your own strengths and vulnerabilities in relating, you can recognize those in your partner. This awareness can help you regulate each other’s moods and energy levels better. It can help you avoid pushing each other’s buttons and repair quickly from disagreement.

This approach introduces the concept of  couple bubble. You will learn skills to create a safe place for each other to feel accepted, wanted, secure and cared for. Together, you will learn to put your relationship first.

 It is helpful for partners to learn how their emotional brain hijacks them when they argue.  You will learn to stay within the window of tolerance, so that your thinking brain can help you respond more skillfully.  You will learn to stay friendly, talk things out and find more flexible ways to solve a problem.

 Dr. Tatkin has written 3 excellent and user-friendly books on couples. They are: Wired for Love, Wired for Dating and We Do.